Public relations

Public relations can refer to propaganda or public transparency or marketing or evangelism. In some cases individual deceit and/or institutional disinformation campaigns are labeled "PR." Here it is meant to encompass all those who work to communicate with the public, especially via mass media, without accounting for motive, authority, or veracity.

News Reports

REAL AI IN THE PALM OF YOUR HAND. [Photograph: Dania Tang holds a new-generation heuristic processor, weighing a mere seventy grams.] Engineers at MIT, working in conjunction with a funding grant from entrepreneur Elton Moosek, have unveiled a next-generation deep learning heuristic processor. "I'm hesitant to call it an artificial intelligence," spokesperson Dania Tang said of the new device, "but it's the closest we've yet achieved. It's able to instantly analyze dozens of possible outcomes of a future action and choose the best one, much like a human uses deductive reasoning." Under a new startup, MindStone, the processors are reputedly already being contracted for military use.

READY FOR THE WORST. In response to growing public concern about a potential attack from China, President Oswald announced a major funding initiative for the construction of FEMA-supported evacuation shelters near major population sites. "These shelters will provide a much-needed near safety points in an emergency," said a spokesperson for FEMA. "They're to be equipped with a secure basement that can resist heavy bombardment, able to fit hundreds of people, and equipped to survive gas and biological attacks. They have self-contained water and power, protective gear, and communications equipment. In short, they are public survivalist bunkers. We've very excited about this initiative."

BIONIC USAGE GAINING IN POPULARITY. A recent Lykos study found that despite their high costs, nearly one in one hundred US citizens now have a compact bionic module, or CBM, installed. The most popular CBMs are "selfbuds", an implantable BlueTooth headphone; "InnerVision", an ocular implant that allows users to view their cell phone screens from inside their eyeballs; and "eStim", an implantable treating erectile dysfunction. Sam Novak, a spokesperson for CBM manufacturer Uncanny, said in a press release, "This comes as no surprise to us. CBMs are the way of the future, and Americans know that. We hope to roll out an all-new wave of CBMs next July, allowing our customers to connect via wi-fi to their computers and game consoles, or to remotely access their baby monitors and hear their child as though they were in the same room. I guess you could say, 'watch this space'!"

LASERS - NEXT BIG THING?: Top defense researchers remarked during demonstration of a prototype today: "We are still working on it, the laser weapon lacks power, but has a technically almost unlimited range," Colonel Sylver, a spokesperson for the military said. Laser weapons have been used for years in large-scale platforms, especially as anti-ordnance weapons; this marks the first field use of human-sized energy weapons. "There's no real advantage over conventional weaponry at this point," said analyst Mark Coza in an interview. "I think they're rolling them out mainly to intimidate China, and in the hopes that field testing leads to further improvements."

COMPACT BIONIC MODULES PASS PHASE 3 CLINICAL TRIALS. Uncanny, a former toy company now rebranded into a biomedical and military parts manufacturer, has unveiled its groundbreaking line of implantable medical devices, called "compact bionic modules", or CBMs. "The cost is still high, and we're aware of that," said spokesperson Danny Veil, "but we believe the product is worth it." Although a joint-assist servo CBM, for use in people with partial or complete motor nerve damage, currently costs between ten and fifteen thousand dollars, that doesn't include the cost of installation, rehabilitation, and power and recharging modules. All told, the average medical CBM will put you - or your high end insurance - out by upwards of anywhere from one to three hundred thousand dollars.

TECHWORLD NEWS: Toy company at the origin of the successful talking doll rebrands and becomes Uncanny. A spokesperson from the newly formed Uncanny told the press, "We think we can do more than just entertain. We have new plans, big plans, plans that will shape the very fabric of reality!" Unconfirmed rumors suggest that Uncanny has already received large orders from the government.

CHINESE SUPER SOLDIERS. At a global press conference, the People's Republic of China unveiled their new bionic-powered supersoldiers. These soldiers are equipped with an analogous compact module technology, known as 'XFS' in press release documents, believed to be similar to CBM technology favored by NATO forces. "We're not concerned by these announcements," DARPA spokesperson Linda Iridani told our reporters. "We've been keeping an eye on Chinese developments in bionics for some time, and XFS technology is many years behind our own military-grade CBMs."

SPIKE IN MENTAL HEALTH CONCERNS HAS EPIDEMIOLOGISTS WORRIED. "There's no doubt about it," said a spokesperson from Mount Sinai Hospital. "Hospitals over the US are overwhelmed with an increase in psychiatrically-related violent behavior such as explosivity and aggressive paranoia. The most likely cause is a new street drug; we have yet to identify any commonality between the affected people." Dr. Andrew Morton, a Harvard epidemiologist, has a different opinion. "These people aren't drug users. They're coming from all walks of life. Sure, there's a predilection for people who already have some mental illness, but we're seeing perfectly normal people suddenly presenting with violent explosive behavior. I think the most likely cause is infectious: no other pattern would fit this widespread an outbreak."

INCREASE IN "MONSTER" SIGHTINGS HAS EXPERTS BAFFLED. A tenfold spike in sightings of unexplained phenomena, particularly fantastic beasts and monsters, has experts confused. "This could be related to the recent rise in hallucinations," said Dr. Barb Coulson in an interview on web-based debate show ContraPoints on Friday. "It's probably drugs," replied debate partner Leanne Jefferson, a spokesperson from MADD. "You're both idiots," moderator Natalie Wynn interjected. "The obvious answer is that it's monsters walking the Earth, preparing to kill us all."

FOODPLACE PANTS FEUD. An ongoing legal battle between popular fast food megalith Foodplace and the non-profit Concerned Consumers of Foodpeople has ended with the determination that the Foodperson costume will remain a gender-neutral, nonrevealing unitard. "Superheroes are meant to have exaggerated anatomy and revealing costumes," a spokesperson from CCF said in a press release. "This is a sad day not just for fans of Foodplace, but for consumers of the fast-food superhero genre overall." A spokesperson from rival food company NourishMart sent out a press release just minutes after the ruling: "NOURISHMART INFORMS THE PUBLIC THAT NOURISHMATIC DOES NOT WEAR ANY CLOTHES. NOURISHMATIC IS SOFTWARE. NOURISHMATIC CAN PRESENT AN AVATAR OF WHATEVER APPEALING MEAT-FORM IS DESIRED BY THE PUBLIC. EAT AT NOURISHMART. OUR PRODUCTS CONTAIN A MIX OF FAT, SALT, AND PROTEIN THAT IS HIGHLY DESIRABLE TO HUMAN PALATES."

ECONOMIC RIOTING SPREADS TO UNITED STATES. Global economic riots, started in Africa and South America, have spread to the continental United States. More than thirty riots were reported over the weekend, primarily in poorer regions of the Midwest and South. "I don't think this is related to what happened in Carlhaven or Banksley," a spokesperson from the National Guard said in response to media inquiry. "Those were isolated incidents, while this is very clearly a coordinated social media effort." Police and the National Guard are containing riots as they crop up. President Oswald, in a speech on Sunday evening, reminded Americans of our solidarity. "Enemies perch at our every border, watching for signs of weakness. Now is not the time to shoot ourselves in the feet."

VIOLENT OUTBREAKS CAUSED BY DRUG CONTAMINATION: Reports of riots being a social media effect were disputed today by NSA spokesperson Colonel Shawn Singer. "These are isolated incidents. There is no evidence of any social media articles that are causing them, here or abroad. The violence is random and senseless. We are currently investigating a promising theory that a malicious contamination effect of the street drug methothexazole, known as 'Forbidden City', is responsible. Whatever the cause, the National Guard has these riots very well contained."

SURGEON GENERAL: DEAD ARE STAYING DEAD: "Stories about the dead rising are completely unfounded and medically impossible.", the office of the surgeon general said in a press conference today. "It's an obvious hoax by people just looking for five minutes of fame, or to scare people in these uncertain times. After all, remember the clown thing a few years ago?" A critic pointed to the increasingly widespread viral videos of rioters with clearly fatal injuries rising to return to the rioting. "Within ten hours, someone will have deep faked this video to make me look like a Star Wars character," replied the spokesperson, "and you're confused by a bit of home grown CGI showing zombies?"

LOCAL EVACUATION ORDERS. FEMA has announced small-scale evacuations of select centers where rioting is most intense. "This is a preventive measure," Spokesperson Linda Garrison told our correspondent. "We expect to have people home in a few days, but it's best we play it safe until then."

EVACUATION ALERT. The Federal government has announced a formal evacuation of all major centers, to pre-designated FEMA emergency shelters. Spokesperson Linda Garrison stated, "This is not expected to be a permanent issue. By evacuating to the shelters and camps FEMA set up for just such a situation, we can clamp down on riots without hurting uninvolved people." Garrison declined to comment on widespread allegations that the rioters are under the influence of psychosis-inducing biological agents.